Toddlers are like…

Parenting is a joyful experience. Little people are just so different and they go through so many changes in such a short time. My son, Jonah is a very happy baby, but he is also very active and…rambunctious. You, dear reader, may not have a toddler. To help you understand more about toddlers, I have compiled a list of descriptions based on what I’ve learned about toddlers from Jonah. (Juliette, take note!)

Toddlers are like the Hulk, they have surprising strength. You wouldn’t think so by looking at them, but give them a chance to headbutt you and they will. And it will hurt! That heavy thing you set down that you didn’t think they would notice or try to move? You bet that’s the first thing they’ll go straight towards and somehow move and/or throw. When Jonah was younger, we had a floor lamp next to his crib. The entire time it was there, we never once thought that he had arms long enough or sufficient strength to do anything to it. Sure enough, one day we hear a crash from his room and the floor lamp had been pushed over. The top bowl of the fixture broke off and the bulb shattered. JONAH SMASH!!

Chaos and destruction amuses toddlers.

Also like the Hulk, toddlers rapidly out grow clothes. Unlike the Hulk, the clothes don’t magically still fit them as they grow, like Hulk’s purple pants.

Toddlers are like t-rexes (as I’ve already pointed this out in a previous post), they have proportionally short arms, big heads, and they love putting things in their mouths. The difference being that t-rexes eat small cars and toddlers eat graham crackers, as well as anything small and detrimental to their own health.

Speaking of small objects, toddlers have the uncanny ability to locate and attempt to eat any small piece of whatever that you couldn’t have found even if you looked for days. I’ve actually considered using my toddler to find small screws that I’ve dropped when doing a project around the house. The problem there is that you have to watch him closely. He needs enough freedom to find the thing, but not so much freedom that you can’t stop him before he quickly tries to eat the foreign object. This also applies to electronics. He will quickly manage to get his hands on the remote or a phone if left in his reach. Once he sees it, he will not simply give up, he will continue to try to obtain that object with the entirety of his 20 lbs. of squirmy being. Combine this unrelenting will with his Hulk-like strength and you will find that it is very difficult to wrangle a determined toddler. So with this special ability to find things and unwillingness to give up, toddlers are like Bryan Mills.

“I have a very particular set of skills. If you don’t let me eat all of the cookies and bang on the laptop, I will find you and I will kill you.” Loose dramatic reenactment of Bryan Mills as a toddler.

A recent incident my wife shared with me illustrates further the stubborn determination of toddlers. We recently got a board game that’s stored a small tin box. Jonah, of course, got his hands on it and she let him mess with it, thinking that there was no way he could actually open it and get to the choking implements inside. Well, as you can tell from the above descriptions, he did indeed manage to open it, despite his lack of fine motor skills.

In summary, toddlers are like John Locke, DON’T TELL THEM WHAT THEY CAN’T DO!!!

There’s a little-known deleted scene that takes place right after this one in which Locke drinks magic island water out of a sippy cup and eats polar bear animal crackers.

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