David Liveblogs A Movie: “This Means War”

Do you have difficulty with figuring out how to think and feel about a movie? No worries! I’m here to do all that for you. This is a live-blog of my viewing of “This Means War.” Follow along for insight and hilarity. There will be SPOILERS!

0:00- We start with Chris Pine (CP) and Tom Hardy (TH) looking awesome in suits. This is kinda like “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” but with TWO Brad Pitts. I’m going to try to avoid the term “man crush.”

1:25- CP is the player of the pair as he works the bar and flirts with the ladies. Perhaps this is intended for him to seem to have an early lead in the Reese Witherspoon (RW) race. WE SHALL SEE.

3:30- People are getting shot and the guys are looking awesome. This is all taking place on a tall building and a helicopter is involved. Die Hard much?? I am happy.

5:00- RW with a flamethrower?? Oh, she’s just using it on cookware. They’re trying to make her exciting, but she’s still way lamer than the guys.

9:30- RW’s best friend is Chelsea Handler who, luckily, is here to provide commentary on RW’s life, thank goodness! Does Chelsea Handler always play the instigating, crass friend? Also, Silence of the Lambs skinsuit reference! How many nods to other movies will there be??

14:00- TH’s is divorced from his son’s mother, which would make me feel sorry for him if he wasn’t just jumping and shooting in midair a few minutes ago. He makes an attempt to get the family together, but we learn that his ex-wife has a date, presumably with Don Draper.

14:20- TH’s loft is ridiculous. I highly doubt an employee of the government could afford this place.

18:00- This is the least awkward first date/encounter I’ve seen. Therefore it is also the least believable. I think if two people met for the first time and talked this smoothly and easily, their second date would be their wedding.

21:45- It’s like we have two entirely different RW’s based on her encounter with CP. If she’s so clever and fast-talking, how has she had such difficulty getting a date before now? Stephanie observes that maybe she’s more confident due to the previous encounter with TH. RW’s multiple personalities will perhaps make it more plausible for them to think that they’re dating different women.

23:00- OH THE DOUBLE MEANINGS!!! Again with the over-confident RW. I guess it’s because she’s in her native element at work as a skillet-torcher. CP has stalked this woman to her work to ask her out using flirtatious innuendo. So, is this what CIA agents do when they don’t work? Awkwardly stalk/flirt with women they meet at video stores? Oh but don’t worry, IT WORKS.

24:10- Okay, they’re jumping right to the reveal that the two guys dating the same girl. I appreciate this, no funny business, just get straight to the point. Another movie would have foolishly attempted to drag the silly antics on longer.

26:15- Early impressions: CP seems too cocky. Steph thinks TM will get back with his ex-wife and CP will win RW. I think it will be some kind of a stalemate. How else will we get a sequel??

28:00- CP is funny and underrated in my opinion. This scene makes me think he needs a dog, not a girlfriend or a roommate. When is Star Trek 2 coming out again??

29:00- TH has surprised RW with a date to a private trapeze session in an abandoned circus tent, seems sketchy. I swear they stole this date idea from The Bachelorette.

30:40- I was just thinking that I would like to know more about Chelsea Handler’s sex life and what she does on Wednesday nights (not).

That’s right, Wednesday. The conditions are perfect.

32:55- RW is not impressed by CP’s date to the club where he flaunts his social prowess, RW chooses to leave. Good choice, RW, that was just a lot of flashy showing off….which ironically, RW does in return in front of her ex!! PARALLELS!! I can already see that they’re contrasting the “opposites attract” pairing of CP and RW with the “safe, sensible choice” pairing of TH and RW. Which will she choose?? Aside from that I think we need more of the “wearing suits and beating people up” paring of CP and TH.

38:45- The banter between these two works so well. Forget RW, I want to see an entire sitcom with these two guys going back and forth.

42:20- Whoa whoa whoa. CP and TH just pretended to be drunk so they could sneak into a private card game. Really? Are they trying to steal from Mr. and Mrs. Smith?  In other words, are they trying to make this my favorite movie ever??

46:35- Chelsea Handler and RW are comparing the men as if they are product testing two items from RW’s work. This was inevitable and it only took them 45 minutes to get there.

48:30- TH is taking RW on a convertible test drive and CP deploys a predator drone to stalk them. What’s the most logical response? Shoot it down of course. “I just shot a multi-million dollar piece of equipment out of the sky with two miraculous gunshots just  to impress a girl I barely know! Weeeeee! Yay America!!”

51:20- The two guys are using their bugs to listen in on a conversation between RW and Chelsea Handler and they’re having reservations about the constitutionality of this action. They’re just now asking themselves this question? We haven’t already had constitutional issues up to this point??

52:15- CP is taking RW to a pound to show her how he’s really caring and likes to volunteer (these are all lies). This really is starting to turn into a long episode of The Bachelorette. It’s been a while since someone got punched or shot….my attention is waning…..

53:05- CP just adopted a dog!! CALLED IT!!

54:10- TH is taking RW to THE AWESOMEST PAINTBALL COURSE EVER.  However, by doing this they are now also stealing from both Failure to Launch and 10 Things I Hate About You. And I just became keenly aware about my overabundant knowledge of romantic comedies…

55:35- TH just got shot in the junk with an accidental paintball round.We knew this was going to happen, screenwriters. It’s inevitable. It’s like a scientific constant. It had to happen, but it was no less hilarious.

56:35- First TH ambushes preteens on the paintball course and now Chelsea Handler is having an inappropriate phone conversation at a playground. So many children have been traumatized in the last 15 minutes of this movie.

57:15- They are now using the Beastie Boys song that was also in Star Trek which also starred Chris Pine. The world makes sense because of this movie.

59:55- They’re cutting to some scene with some guy I barely recognize….oh yeah, there’s an actual subplot about a terrorist or something.

1:02:40- And…..CP takes RW to a lunch date with his family. We’ve progress to the “Meet the Family” episode of The Bachelorette.

1:07:40- CP is in his apartment watching Titanic….by himself. What kind of a bachelor randomly watches Titanic by himself???

1:11:10- Still been a while since there’s been any kind of violence…

1:14:05- The competition has become too intense!! The bromance is ending!!! Nooooooo!!!! Bros before Reese Witherspoon!!

1:15:45- Some random dude and some random scene….oh right right, some terrorist is trying to kill them for some reason.

1:17:50- The cat escapes the bag and the two guys are brawling in a restaurant. This fight was inevitable and even predictable, but I’m glad it happened anyway.

1:21:35- No one else lost control of their cars, but Chelsea Handler gets conveniently run off the road into the river. No love for Chelsea Handler apparently…

1:22:50- The bromance returns!! They’re back!! This scene is another steal from Mr. and Mrs. Smith, except without the minivan.

1:23:25- GAS TANKS DO NOT EXPLODE WITH JUST GUNFIRE. DOESN’T ANYONE WATCH MYTHBUSTERS???

1:23:35- They’re on the freeway and trying to escape when they realize that the ramp they just took is an incomplete overpass. Why not just jump the overpass and rip off Speed too? Because then I would never want to watch any another movie ever.

1:24:40- What a coincidence! RW knows how to shoot down a bulletproof car. But yet somehow she doesn’t know how to not get hit by said car. Hey Blondie McAdvice-giver, why don’t you get out of the middle of the dang road!!

1:24:45- The terrorist flies off the overpass to his doom. Now we finally have that pesky subplot out of the way.

1:28:20- TH just CIA-punched the bully dad from his kid’s karate class. I think TH just enacted every father’s dream.

1:29:30- So RW did indeed choose CP and TH did indeed get back with his ex-wife/family. STEPH CALLED IT!! Although this will make a sequel a bit more difficult…

And…..scene.

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4 thoughts on “David Liveblogs A Movie: “This Means War”

  1. Please live-blog every movie you watch.

    “GAS TANKS DO NOT EXPLODE WITH JUST GUNFIRE. DOESN’T ANYONE WATCH MYTHBUSTERS???”

    HAHAHAHAHAHA

  2. “This Means Hilarity!” <– the headline to my fictional review of your live-blog.

    Love it. I'm with Dani: more, please!!!

    Also: LAAAAUGH at this:

    "Nooooooo!!!! Bros before Reese Witherspoon!!"

  3. I like your review title. We should make this blog into a nesting doll of reviews. You review my live-blog, then Dani critiques your review, then Brett reflects on the critique, and then Julie designs a comic book based on that reflection and then then Joey and Nate review that comic book, and then someone will make a movie about Joey and Nate’s comic book review lives AND THEN I WILL LIVE BLOG THAT MOVIE!!!

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