Joey’s Guide to Gettin’ with the Honeys

People always ask me, “Joey, how do I, too, become successful at relationships?  More specifically, how do I get with the honeys?”

Rather than spend hours each day responding to these conversations, emails, and tweets, I thought it would be best to post my answer here for the general public at large.

Since this is the internet, some of you may be skeptical or cynical.  You may be wondering why I am qualified to answer a question like this.  Here is my short C.V. of qualifications:

  • Have seen at least two Paul Newman movies.
  • Familiar with the Fonz and Han Solo.
  • Watched BOTH seasons of The Pickup Artist.
  • Seen two versions of Pride & Prejudice.
  • Used to know all the words to “Pony” by Ginuwine.
  • Wife is really pretty.
  • From the South.

Now that we’ve established my predominance in the “gettin with the honeys” field, let’s move to the meat of this article, the guide.

  1. Be Mr. Darcy. (If this isn’t an option, move to Step 2.)
  2. Smell like Ron Swanson.*
  3. If you have teeth, brush them. Regularly.
  4. Remember things that people tell you.
  5. Be really good at something. Love it.
  6. No fooping.**  Don’t talk about fooping.
  7. Talk to girls.
  8. Ask out a cool girl.
  9. If she says yes, you have successfully gotten with a honey!
  10. If she says no, repeat step 8 with another cool girl.
NOTE: If you are Thor, Finnick, Peeta, Channing Tatum, or Johnny Depp, you can start at Step 9.
ADVANCED HONEY GETTING OPTION ONE: At Halloween, wear half of a couples’ costume.  If a girl wearing the other half of the costume shows up at your Halloween party, you have both created a romantic comedy premise and found a potential soul mate.  Please invite me to the rehearsal dinner.

*I think this smell is a mix of leather and maple syrup.  Val thinks it’s bacon and another manly thing like freshly chopped wood.

**Fooping is a more whimsical and less crass way of saying “sharting”.  I coined it and I want it to travel the world. Spread the word.

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